Should I Break No Contact With My Ex? (2023)

Time has passed now so you ask, “Should I break no contact and communicate with my ex again?”

I get it.

You feel your ex’s absence like fingernails down a chalkboard and you want to feel their presence again in any way possible.

You’ve been trying the no contact rule and so far you have heard nothing from your ex.Apparently no contact is not working.

Maybe your ex has forgotten about you during no contact. Why not just reach out? Maybe they’ll feel something for you again.

Get your ex back with Coach Lee's Emergency Breakup Kit!

What do you have to lose?

I’ve pretty much summed up what’s going on in your head, right?

Like I said, I get it. It makes sense for you to ask if you should break no contact.

But before you do, you need to consider what you WILL lose by breaking no contact.

Should I Break No Contact With My Ex? (1)Why Breaking No Contact Erases Progress That Has Been Gained

No contact is not always an instant fix.

Though I am thrilled when I estimate that 40% of my coaching clients hear from their ex within only a week or less of no contact, the majority take longer.Which is frustrating.

Here’s the deal:

Time works on different people in different ways.

Some begin missing their ex almost immediately and regret their decision to break up. Others take longer to feel that separation anxiety.

(Video) Should You Ever Break No Contact?

Another percentage miss their ex terribly and regret the breakup, but take longer before they reach out.

Get your ex back with Coach Lee's Emergency Breakup Kit!

These are the tricky and frustrating ones because no contact is doing its job in it has been able to make your miss you and want you back.

But the intensity of them missing you and regretting their decision to break up with you has not reached the point to where they feel they must reach out.

I know you want to believe that this is the case with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. It might be, but even if that is the case, you still must not reach out to them.


Should I Break No Contact With My Ex? (2)It’s More Meaningful, Powerful, and Likely To Be Long Term If They Reach Out To You

It’s also possible and highly likely that if you break no contact you will push them away.

It relieves their itch of curiosity, erases the fear of loss, and allows them to think that you will always be waiting for them.

That will likely cause them to see you only as a backup plan.

If you are permanently waiting on a boyfriend or girlfriend, they can take their time by seeing all the other people they want to and if they ever decide they want you back, you’ll be there.

Does that sound like what you want?

Trust me, it’s not! It’s a sure recipe for them to move on and lose all feelings of intimacy and attraction for you.

You give your ex relief and quench their curiosity.

You take away any sense of urgency to them getting back together with you.

So while you’ll continue to feel the breakup second by second, they won’t feel any pressure at all because they know that there’s no danger of losing you.


Also see my article, “What Is My Ex Thinking During No Contact?”

Should I Break No Contact With My Ex? (3)Should You Ever Break No Contact?

Some dating coaches who deal more in the theoretical insist that no contact should never, ever be broken by the person who has been dumped under any circumstances.

Get your ex back with Coach Lee's Emergency Breakup Kit!

I have seen too much of the real world and must disagree.

Though I am a dating coach, my specialty is in getting an ex back after a breakup.

I’m known for the main focus of my strategy being to make the breakup easy for the person who has dumped you.

I’m serious! By backing away, refusing to show anger, leaving them alone instead of awkwardly being around them, and by giving them complete space you have the best chance of them coming back to you.


Because you prevent your breakup response from being a hurdle to them getting back together with you.

Here’s the deal:

If the breakup is difficult, awkward, and stressful, and then at some point they consider getting back together with you, they might not do it simply because they don’t want to risk it not working out and them having to go through the awkward breakup again.

So I have seen no contact work again and again, with extremely high consistency, to cause an ex to miss you and reach out to you.

But there are some rare instances when no contact does not work.

Though the no contact rule is very successful, it’s not a magic bullet and there are times when you should not use no contactor at least not completely.

(Video) When Should You Break No Contact?

In the vast majority of cases, complete no contact should be used.

The reason is because if someone breaks up with you and doesn’t come back, any effort by you would be chasing.

It would be attempting to impose yourself into someone’s life who doesn’t want you there which would make you look pathetic, needy, weak, and even selfish because you are seeking what you want rather than to respect what the other person wants.

After a certain amount of time, however, you have nothing to lose.

After a period of no contact, the odds of getting your ex back fall quite a bit.

I discuss this in detail in my article, “When Does No Contact Start Working?”

The bottom line, however, is that the no contact rule is very powerful and is almost always what will work to get your ex back, if anything will.

Hear me on this:

I get that it doesn’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel selfish, but it will seem that way to your ex.

It might even seem ridiculous to them because you are trying to talk them into something that simply can’t be the result of a conversation.

That being said, there are times when you have nothing to lose.

There are times when reaching out after a solid amount of time has passed can be effective because the time apart and the silence has pressed a reset button.

Should I Break No Contact With My Ex? (5)Most People Don’t Allow Enough Time Before Reaching Out

If you read my articles, you’ll learn pretty quickly that I do not believe in reaching out to your ex after a breakup.

They have got to experience the breakup to realize that they don’t want it. And they have got to be without you in order to miss you.

But as I’ve said in this article, there are times when reaching out to and breaking no contact with your ex makes sense because there is nothing to lose and because sometimes the person who broke up doesn’t know how to repair the breakup – even if they want to!

But most people either don’t allow nearly enough time or won’t stay silent during what should be a time of no contact.

(Video) I Think About Breaking No Contact Every Day

When someone who hasn’t waited long enough reaches out to their ex, there was no reset, so their ex still feels exhaustion and anxiety at the thought of being around them.

If this is the case with you, your ex will not be receptive to you. So when you break no contact is key if you ever break it.

Here’s the deal:

I hesitated writing this article in the first place because I didn’t want someone who has been dumped to read it and then reach out to their ex.

That’s not my intent and reaching out normally pushes your ex even further away and makes you feel even worse.

But if you’ve been dating someone for three months or more, waiting a month of no contact is sometimes enough.

You have to determine if they are the type of person who might want to get back together with you but doesn’t know how to go about presenting that to you.

Most of the time, if the relationship was good, someone would have no problem doing reaching out and asking you to get back together.

So be extremely skeptical of your ex having this reason for not reaching out.

Usually the answer is that you should not break no contact and you need to wait longer so that no contact can work on your ex more.

If you’ve been dating more than three months, waiting a month and a half before even considering contact is ideal.

But again, many times it’s just that no contact has not had enough time to fully work. You want them to be in the position of asking you to get back together.

You want them to have to be the one to hope that you’ll take them back.

That’s the ideal situation because it means that they value you and the relationship enough at this point, since they’ve been without it.

If they don’t reach out to you, it means that they haven’t reached a level of appreciation for what they had and don’t yet have enough regret for tossing it aside.


The odds are that you should continue to be in no contact and that you should not reach out. Get more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit.

(Video) What To Do When An Ex Breaks No Contact And Reaches Out

Coach Lee
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Should I reply to my ex during no contact? ›

1. When your ex contacts you during no contact it is important you don't reply right away. Instead, wait about three hours to text or call him back or 24 hours to email.

When should I give up on no contact? ›

While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different. Some people move on really fast after a breakup, while other people take a long time. If 30 days pass and you still aren't ready, it's totally okay to extend your period of no contact.

What happens when you stop replying to an ex? ›

So, when you actively choose not to respond to your ex, you're taking away their behavioral freedom of being able to talk to you. Their mind makes them think about talking to you even more, and they will thus try to get you to talk to them again; however, they can.

Is it OK not to reply to your ex? ›

It is definitely OK not to respond to an ex. In fact, in many circumstances, you might find that it's best you don't respond, especially if it was a toxic relationship.

Does silence work on an ex? ›

There is no easy way to deal with a breakup, but remaining silent actually speaks volumes to your ex. After all, actions speak louder than words! By staying silent, you're telling your ex that you're strong, resilient, and independent. You're relying on yourself — and no one else — for your own happiness.

What does ignoring your ex do to them? ›

What happens when you ignore your ex? Anytime you begin ignoring your ex, this can change both their behavior and yours. For instance, you will have time to think about the relationship that just ended so that you can move forward with your life.

Is one month of no contact enough? ›

At the very least, the no contact rule requires that you keep radio silence for 30 days after the breakup. Depending on your situation, that void might have to extent for a few more weeks or months. The goal of no contact is to give you the power of silence after break up.

How do you know when your ex is truly done with you? ›

30 Signs Your Ex Is Over You and Not Pretending!
  • They don't call you anymore. ...
  • They are seeing someone new. ...
  • They don't want to hang out. ...
  • They can be in the same room with you without feeling sad. ...
  • They stop flirting. ...
  • They try to set you up with someone else. ...
  • They return your stuff. ...
  • They ask for their stuff back.
5 days ago

What makes an ex come back? ›

1. The No-Contact Rule. If you want to discover why exes come back after years, you should know that when an ex thinks that you would not be able to move on and leave their memories behind, they muster the guts to make a comeback. An ex may come back even when they are not sure of your relationship status.

How long should you go without contacting your ex? ›

The no-contact rule refers to cutting off all contact with an ex following a breakup, and it's the best method for moving on from an ex. No contact should last for a minimum of 60 days, and it includes no texting, no calling, and no interacting on social media.

How long should you stop talking to your ex? ›

According to the famous no contact rule, 30 days is enough time for both of you to get in a better headspace and healthily process your feelings. Plus, when you draw boundaries and give her space to miss you, your ex will start remembering the good times you had together.

Should I respond to my ex or not? ›

You're under no obligation to respond to your ex.

It's totally up to you whether or not you want to talk to your ex again, and ignoring them is a great way to keep them out of your life. Sometimes, exes will try to worm their way back into your life when they see you thriving.

Is it ever worth messaging an ex? ›

When It's Acceptable to Text Your Ex. According to Walfish, there's definitely a time when it's acceptable to text your ex—particularly when there are signs that you two might be able to reconcile. "These signs include that they express and demonstrate genuine accountability and remorse for having hurt you.

Is it rude to not reply back? ›

And so we kind of end up where we've started: Yup, ignoring texts is rude. But there are lots of reasons to do so that may leave one without fault. So let's set some ground rules to make it easier in the future.

Is silence the best revenge to an ex? ›

Silence speaks volumes

The best revenge is no reaction. Believe it, the silence and zero reaction really bothers your ex, and they consider it as the best served revenge. Nothing creates more curiosity than silence. Your ex would expect a vent or an angry rant from you, but don't give in.

Will silence make my ex miss me? ›

Radio silence simply refers to the act of being distant from your partner in order to make him come back to you. When done the right way, it allows your ex to miss and crave you more. It reaffirms and reawakens the feels he has for you, compelling him to come back.

How do you stay strong during no contact? ›

Even when you know that you want a no contact separation, you may be at a loss when it comes to how to stay strong during no contact.
18 tips for how to stay strong during No Contact
  1. Stay busy. ...
  2. Take a social media break. ...
  3. Spend time with loved ones. ...
  4. Start a new hobby. ...
  5. Remember your goal. ...
  6. Believe it will work.
29 Sept 2022

Does ignoring someone damage them? ›

Research finds that feeling ignored can affect people's sensory perceptions, such as feeling that surroundings seem quieter. Being ignored creates feelings of self-doubt, feeling a lack of control, and feeling not worthy of attention.

How do I stay strong and ignore my ex? ›

Stay busy.

Start doing more things with your friends, join a club, or take up a new hobby to get your mind off your ex and make ignoring him completely natural. If you and your ex-boyfriend are in the same social circles, it will help if he sees you looking happy and enjoying life without him.

What makes an ex toxic? ›

Whether it's awful fights, constant cheating and lying, dependency issues, or abuse, a toxic relationship is basically an unhealthy situation that can damage the well-being of one or both partners.

Who should break no contact first? ›

Let your ex be the first one to break the no contact rule, especially if you're following it to try and get them back. It's easy to fall into a pattern of worrying about what other people think, but if reaching out to your ex and breaking the no contact rule is what's best for you, do it.

Should I contact my ex after 2 months of no contact? ›

The rule of thumb is to wait 30 days before you speak to your ex once again. If you were together for a very long time and you break up, you may need to extend this to six weeks. At the most, 2-2.5 months is how long the no-contact phase should go.

What happens during 30 day no contact? ›

Being in No Contact for 30 days with your ex means that you do not call, text, interact in social media, don't meet them all of sudden, stalk them, etc.

How do you push through no contact? ›

How to Master the 'No Contact Rule' — the Ultimate Breakup Tool
  1. Write a letter to yourself.
  2. Give yourself room to grieve.
  3. Make a list of the bad things your ex did.
  4. Start a self-care list.
  5. Have a breakup buddy.
  6. Work on yourself.
  7. Start a new hobby.
  8. Give yourself some structure.
25 Sept 2022

What makes a dumper change their mind? ›

~In reality, what makes a dumper change their mind is seeing you move on. Knowing that they can't have you after they started to value you, hurts them. This makes them regret their decision because they start to value you differently.

Do dumpers come back? ›

If you average all the reputable research on the ex recovery process and chances of getting your ex back, there's about a 43.5% chance your ex will come back without doing anything. Those aren't exactly betting odds. That means six out of ten times you're probably not going to get your ex back.

How do you know your ex regret losing you? ›

Here are some of the signs your ex regrets dumping you.
  1. They begin to communicate with you.
  2. They apologize for the breakup.
  3. They show more affection.
  4. They discuss issues in their present relationship.
  5. They try to atone for past mistakes.
  6. They show pessimism when you tell them someone else is involved.
  7. They stalk you.
8 Jul 2022

How do you know if a breakup is permanent? ›

One of the biggest signs a breakup is final is when one of you, or both of you, feel like you just can't do this anymore. It's been so emotionally and physically taxing that you just feel like you have nothing left to give to this relationship.

When should I give up on my ex? ›

  • Your ex has not responded to your last five attempts to start a conversation.
  • They've been with someone new for longer than 8 months.
  • You've been on a “hard block” for longer than 3 months.
  • You have broken the no contact rule more than 8 times.
  • You get pity responses in more than 10 conversations in a row.
2 Feb 2021

What are the chances of ex getting back? ›

The results showed just 15% of people actually won their ex back, while 14% got back together just to break up again, and 70% never reconnected at all. But although it sounds like a small number, a few success stories showed how it is possible to work things out if you put the time and effort in.

How do you really win your ex back? ›

Here's how to get back with your ex without making a total mess of it.
  1. Take it slooow. I know, I know. ...
  2. Figure out what really you want. ...
  3. View it as a new chapter in an old relationship. ...
  4. Talk about what you did when you were apart... ...
  5. 5. … ...
  6. Listen to your gut. ...
  7. Address old issues. ...
  8. Have a trust chat.
11 Apr 2022

How do you make your ex loves you again? ›

Snag your ex's eye by reaching back out, spending time together, reminding them of happy memories, and acting casual and confident. Finally, discuss getting back together. Talk about what went wrong in the past and let your ex know that you're willing to work to be a better partner.

How do you know if no contact rule is working? ›

5 signs the no-contact rule is working
  1. Your ex reaches out. Once you determine that you want to utilize the no contact rule, you may notice that there are stages of no contact. ...
  2. You are bettering yourself. ...
  3. Your ex is asking about you. ...
  4. You are thinking about dating. ...
  5. Your ex keeps showing up.
12 Jul 2022

What no contact does to a man? ›

The male mind during no contact

The no-contact rule male psychology forces him to recognize his loneliness. After a breakup, if you stop contacting him, he will feel free and enjoy this phase as much as he can. But, with time, the loneliness and guilt pang will start to kick in.

Why you shouldn't talk to your ex? ›

Talking to an ex can create false hope that the two of you could one day get back together. Even if you know your ex isn't right for you, talking to your ex can cause serious problems. After a relationship ends, loneliness, confusion and anger often come in fits and starts.

How long does ex usually last? ›

"It can take anywhere from six weeks to three months to forever, depending on how intense the relationship was, how invested you were in each other, and how heartbroken you are," says Jane Greer, PhD, New York-based marriage and family therapist and author of What About Me? (Those three factors all sort of piggyback on ...

What is a closure talk? ›

The closure talk is essentially an excuse to have one last conversation with your ex. It's the conversation where you're supposed to get all of your questions answered about where the relationship went wrong and get all those loose ends from the breakup tied up.

Is it selfish to message an ex? ›

But if you haven't talked to your ex in a while—or if things didn't end on good terms—reaching out can come across as super selfish. It's all about intentions. Before you text your ex, look deep inside yourself and figure out why you think that's a good idea.

How do I stop the urge to text my ex? ›

Here are a few ways you can learn to stop texting your ex for good.
  1. Recognize why you want to text your ex. ...
  2. Acknowledge why you need to stop. ...
  3. Delete their number. ...
  4. Distract yourself, and preferably, break a sweat. ...
  5. Reconnect with your friends. ...
  6. Don't drink and text. ...
  7. Enlist technological help. ...
  8. Give it time.
18 Jul 2018

Is it better to text your ex to never text you again or not reply to their text? ›

Don't continue to contact them if they don't respond.

Their silence says all you need to know about the prospect of getting back together or being friends again. Even if you're sending a thoughtful, well-worded apology text, understand that your ex doesn't owe you gratitude, forgiveness, or really anything.

What should be the last message after breakup? ›

Express what you did wrong, say you're sorry, and wish them well moving forward. You might even be able to get some shared closure on the breakup. “I've been thinking a lot about what happened between us, and I'm sorry for how I acted. You didn't deserve that.”

What should you not send to your ex? ›

10 things you should never text your ex
  • One-word texts. ...
  • Terms of endearment or flirty emoticons. ...
  • Resentful rants. ...
  • “Why didn't you text me back?” “Did you get my message?” ...
  • Relationship talk. ...
  • Booty-call requests. ...
  • “Thinking of you.” ...
  • Desperate apologies and pleading.
27 Mar 2013

How long should you wait after a breakup to get back together? ›

"Most people need a month or two to process the breakup, to mourn, and to integrate lessons before jumping back in if they were in a fairly serious relationship," she says. If you dated someone for a year or more, you may need three to four months.

Should you text again after no response? ›

Give them the benefit of the doubt, both experts agree. If you wait seven days, without sending a double text, and your inbox is still at zero, you should take that as a sign too. No response is a response, Fields says.

Is not texting back attractive? ›

Science Says Wait A While Before Texting Back

Well science says making the other person wait for your reply will increase your attractiveness and it's all down to 'reward uncertainty'. Psychologists have conducted studies on lab animals involving a reward system and monitored how the animals reacted.

How long should I wait to reply to my ex? ›

For a typical breakup, wait at least 30 days to text your ex-girlfriend. According to the famous no contact rule, 30 days is enough time for both of you to get in a better headspace and healthily process your feelings.

When should you respond to your ex? ›

Don't immediately reply and take some time to think it over to figure out what you ultimately want out of this interaction. Make sure you remain honest if you decide to speak. Don't get comfortable and slide back into old habits. Take your time when it comes to responding.

Is there ever a good time to text an ex? ›

When It's Acceptable to Text Your Ex. According to Walfish, there's definitely a time when it's acceptable to text your ex—particularly when there are signs that you two might be able to reconcile. "These signs include that they express and demonstrate genuine accountability and remorse for having hurt you.

Why you should stop texting your ex? ›

Though you may want to put the phone down and move on, severing contact with an ex is easier said than done. Continuing to text your ex after a breakup is like picking at a wound — it hurts and keeps you from healing, but it's also strangely addictive. It is possible, however, to rewire your heart and habits.

How do you tell if you'll get back together? ›

Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back
  1. 1 They leave your number unblocked.
  2. 2 They're sad weeks after the breakup.
  3. 3 They're active on your social media.
  4. 4 They haven't returned your things.
  5. 5 They keep in touch with your friends and family.
  6. 6 They initiate contact regularly.
  7. 7 They reminisce about the past.

How do you know if your ex truly wants you back? ›

20 Signs Your Ex Wants You Back
  • They Make Attempts To Stay In Touch. ...
  • They Keep You Updated. ...
  • They Get Jealous. ...
  • They Pretend That They Need Your Help. ...
  • They Keep Bringing Up Your Memories Together. ...
  • They Tell You How Far They Have Come. ...
  • They Keep Checking With Mutual Friends About Your Well-being.
18 Oct 2022


1. Should You Break No Contact?
(Coach Lee)
2. Is It Ok To Break No Contact?
(Chris Seiter)
3. What Happens If You Break No Contact?
(Coach Lee)
4. Should I Break The No Contact Rule?
(Coach Corey Wayne)
5. What To Do When Ex Breaks No Contact and Reaches Out
(Coach Lee)
6. My Ex Broke No Contact and I'm Confused
(Coach Craig Kenneth)
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